Injunctions and Permissions

Author: Sabina Vinod

What transactional analysis concept do you use to describe recurrent patterns? Describe with examples the development of these patterns and how these can be changed

I understand a recurrent pattern as an unhealthy pattern that happens repeatedly. It is outside my conscious awareness.

I recognize that when I did not like something that someone said or did; or if I felt it was an unfair ask of me; I would be unable to express my opinions. I would withdraw into my shell, rave, and rant in my head or in the confines of my room. I would have mental dialogues where I would say what I want which otherwise I was unable to express outwardly. I would be angry, feel victimized and taken advantage of. This I have observed in multiple situations, at home and at work.

I would like to use the concepts of injunctions and permissions to explain the origins of my recurrent patterns and how I could step out of them.

INJUNCTIONS AND PERMISSIONS

Initially I found it difficult to identify my injunctions as I saw my parents as loving and liberal. However, as I understood the idea of injunctions, I could see that in their expression of love, there were restrictions that came from their own unresolved issues.

According to Berne an injunction is “the most important part of the script apparatus, and varies in intensity” (Berne, 1972, p 113), and defines it as “A prohibition or negative command from a parent”.

Goulding & Goulding later clarified that injunctions were “not placed into people’s heads like electrodes but were linked to decisions made by the Little Professor.” (Goulding & Goulding, 1976, p.42).

In simple words, injunctions are prohibitory messages that are internalized by the child as Parental verbal directives.

MY INJUNCTIONS

I have recognized two injunctions that have majorly shaped my life script. Don’t Grow up and Don’t feel.

Don’t grow up

As the younger child, I enjoyed a wonderful childhood However, growing up, I did not receive age-appropriate stressors and could not develop enough autonomy to build confidence in myself. I moved to different cities for schooling, graduation, and work, and my parents always moved with me, believing (and reinforcing this to me) that I couldn’t take care of myself. My elder sister, who they considered was more responsible, was allowed to stay in a hostel for her education. I was often told I was too young and gullible to make decisions. For instance, when I wanted to learn the guitar, I was discouraged because my sister had quit learning after some years. I wanted to trek. That too was met with resistance. It didn’t occur to me then that I could assert myself or try to make them see my point of view.

The effect of “don’t grow up” in my life

I recognize that I have a strong dependency on others’ opinions and feedback and struggle to make my own decisions. When given a choice or asked a question, often my first response is “I don’t know” or “I haven’t thought about it”. One of reasons for this is that I did not have enough faith in my ability to make the right choices. I fear criticism and negative strokes if the decision goes wrong. So, I continue to look up to others to make decisions for me. I was not always happy with the decision and choices others made, even though I went along with what was decided. So, I was often left disappointed and resentful.The fear of criticism; especially from an authority figure has created some stressful incidents for me.I had an all-day online session on a Sunday. I usually give my maid Sundays off, and I did the same that day. My husband suggested I could have called her in to make things easier for me, and I explained my reasons for not doing so. Despite his understanding, I felt uncomfortable and doubted my decision, replaying the incident in my mind.

I recognized that I felt the need to be validated and my choices acknowledged.

Don’t Feel

My specific injunction was “don’t feel anger” and “don’t feel sad”. Happiness was always welcome.

For example, once when I was advised voice rest by my doctor, I was frustrated as I had to take time off work and not speak for a month (I had to use actions or a written note to convey messages). There were days I wanted to scream and days I wanted to cry. Each time, my parents would get agitated and try to distract me to feel “happy”. I realize that maybe they did not have the permission to express anger and sadness themselves and therefore did not know how to permit it for others.

I recognized my Don’t feel injunction during a TA session where I had to draw a story using the six-piece story making (Lahad, 1992). The six-piece story making addresses roles, characters, heroes, villains, damsels in distress and characters to be rescued.

I drew a story of a bird who was chased by a hunter. In my story, the hunter missed catching the bird as the rains spoiled his vision and the bird flew away to safety. In the process, the hunter missed his aim and shot his leg instead. Here is the drawing I made.

During the debrief, I realized my script beliefs. I tended to seek external solutions rather than looking inward to help myself, symbolised by the rain rescuing the bird. I also identified anger, symbolized by the hunter shooting his own foot, when asked to consider repressed anger as a possible feeling.

The effect of “Don’t Feel” in my life

This inability to express anger manifested in many ways. For example, the other would not know how I am feeling as I would find reasons to justify their behavior and therefore accept it and move on. I had an empathy racket, which means rather than honour my own feelings, I would be very understanding of others’. However, over time, I realized that I felt under-valued and misunderstood, and this further lowered my self-esteem.

I’ve also dealt with headaches, backaches, and severe stress, leading to frequent mouth ulcers for which I’ve not had a plausible reason. Cole (1993) linked injunctions to chronic back pain, describing how Don’t Be, Don’t Make It, Don’t Grow Up and Don’t Be Well can produce behaviours that may be perceived as malingering, and how Don’t Feel (what you feel) and Don’t Be a Child may greatly increase the stress.

THE ORIGIN OF MY INJUNCTIONS

Injunctions are the result of a child inferring what the parent is communicating non-verbally, often because of the parent’s own unresolved issues.

This is my understanding of what could have been my parents’ anxieties and script beliefs:

• Being the youngest, pampered child, my mother has led a very sheltered life and may have had a “don’t grow up” injunction herself.
• With both my parents coming from traditional non-expressive families, they may have had challenges expressing their feelings.
• With me being the younger of two daughters, my parents may have had the fear of being alone or a lack of purpose once I left home. They therefore continued to find ways to keep me close and be useful in my life.

PERMISSIONS

I understood that overcoming my injunctions requires granting myself permissions I lacked as a child. Recognizing and granting these permissions not only benefits me but also allows me to extend them to my own children.

Don’t Grow Up

I started by making simple decisions like weekend meals and progressed to more complex ones like vacation destinations, often informing my family and seeking their input. Although the fear of making mistakes arises, I remind myself of the potential outcomes, leading to informed choices that alleviate my anxieties about responsibility.I also reassure myself that I consulted others before deciding, which helps me manage uncertainty. Recently, when faced with a question, I pause instead of immediately saying “I don’t know,” allowing me to think of solutions and consider my options before seeking external help.

Don’t Feel

• The first thing I did was to start identifying my feelings. I did this using the Feelings wheel created by Dr. Gloria Wilcox (2001)

• Each time something happened, and I was agitated, I paused and tried to identify my feeling. For example, recently, after repeated reminders, when daughter did not do the chores, I asked her to do, I recognised that I felt sad she did not recognise the effort I put in and was unwilling to help. Earlier, I would have become angry and yelled at her, or I would have sulked to let her know my displeasure.
• While I was able to identify the feeling, my Please Others and Be Strong drivers (Kahler, 1975) and my inability to reject strokes that I didn’t want, made expressing my feelings very difficult for me. Yet, I tried. When I was calmer and in my Adult, I told her how I felt and how her behaviour impacted me. I was able to stay out of the Drama triangle and have a rational conversation with her, without blaming her.
• I recognise that by doing this, I avoided giving unconditional negative strokes which made it easier for her to acknowledge my feelings and not take it as a personal attack.
• Over time, I am able to recognise and accept my feelings as valid and ask for my needs to be met.
• I also learned not to take feedback as a personal failure, accepting it as an opinion, and I can decide whether to accept it or not. I can reject strokes that are not good for me. Despite the self-doubt it sometimes brings, I remind myself that “I am enough” and that I value myself as I am.

WAY FORWARD

Today, with my increased awareness of injunctions and how they show up in my life, I recognise that Don’t Feel has had a far greater impact than what I recognise, and I am working with my therapist to step into my feelings slowly.

About the author: