Breaking the Patterns that Self Sabotage!

Author: Shiwani Gurwara

A recurring pattern is a pattern we seem to fall into repeatedly. Recurrent patterns show up in the repeated ways we think, feel, or behave; the more dominant Ego States (Berne, 1961) that we show up in, the Drama Triangle (Karpman, 1968) roles that we slip into unconsciously; and the Life Positions (Berne, 1964) we take. 

One such recurring pattern that I recognised in myself was that of playing the Rescuer role in the Drama Triangle in key relationships and ending up as mostly Persecutor and sometimes Victim. 

I have almost always been attracted to people who need my help. In the most stressful of situations. I have jumped in to help people. Looking back, I realise that this is something that has been a part of me as early as my middle school days, if not earlier. 

I have used the idea of ego state contaminations to explain the origin of this pattern and how I used the process of decontamination to step out of it. 

Understanding the Pattern with the Drama Triangle

The Drama Triangle is a social model that depicts a dysfunctional communication pattern characterized by three roles: Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim (Karpman, 1968). Each of the roles involves a discount. The Persecutor and the Rescuer discount others and the Victim discounts self. An individual may switch from one role into another but most people have a favourite position. Even though these are ineffective ways of interacting with others, we slip into these roles as the payoff is a confirmation and furthering of the Life Script (Berne, 1961) with unconscious goals such as gaining control, seeking sympathy, or feeling superior.

I understood how my recurrent pattern was that of a Rescuer. I recognised that I move into the Persecutor role and confront the other person by blaming them for being insensitive towards the struggles that I have gone through or for being selfish and refusing to help me in return. Sometimes I also move into the Victim role when others I had helped in the past, do not appreciate, or respond with favours. 

I felt hurt at not being acknowledged for my efforts or being refused when I asked for help. But I would not break out of this pattern of Rescuing. With TA, I understood that this was because it was serving me in some way – the payoff I needed to feel adequate. I understood what I was covering by exploring my childhood experiences, the meaning that I made and the conclusions I drew about myself and others.

How Does My Recurring Pattern Show Up

The most prominent example of this patterns shows up in my relationship with my father. As soon as I became an earning member of the family, I can recall how I first took complete charge of my own finances even when I had a meagre salary that hardly sustained me in a large metro town. I rushed in to save my father from financial trouble. This pattern became the norm as I began to earn more. My father stopped working and I gave him the charge of my investments so that he could be busy. He did not have work and I hustled and found online content work for him. His family car had to be sold off and I freighted my sedan over to his city. 

I also see this pattern playing up with my other close relationships like with my son and my husband. I jump in proactively to solve for issues that I feel may arise in the future. I foresee and assume probable consequences of situations and plan proactively, which often allows my partner to leave things to me. 

Given this unconscious pattern, I largely ignored my own needs. Some major life decisions have been made while Rescuing others, especially my father and my husband. I have moved cities even though that was detrimental to my career because I needed to help my husband get started in his career. I have lost a fair amount of financial savings as I continued to provide for my father, despite him having enough and more in the form of cash and kind.

The very relationships that I show up as an eager helper have been negatively impacted by this pattern. I had a sense of growing resentment towards my father for not standing up for himself. 

I recognised this pattern with my husband when I took up the entire responsibility of researching universities, applications, and study permit process on my own. The process was overwhelming and I asked for help. His reaction was to speak about the topic for a few minutes a couple of times. I was left with a feeling that I was doing all the work and that he was not contributing at all. While my organizational skills help me manage my affairs in a planned manner, it leaves no room for other people to step in and help me. However, the felt experience of that for me was hurt at not being supported.

Understanding the Genesis of the Rescuer Pattern

I understood the inception of the Rescuer pattern in the Life Script work that I did with my TA mentor and the follow up work that I did in therapy. 

Ego States and Contaminations

An Ego State is a “a consistent pattern of feeling and experience directly related to a corresponding consistent pattern of behavior” (Berne, 1966, p. 364) .

According to Berne (1961), contamination is the intrusion of one part of the ego state into another. The contents of the Parent or the Child leaks into the Adult ego state when the boundaries are not strong. This creates Parental prejudices or beliefs and Child delusions or distortions that are mistaken for here-and-now realities.

Contaminations can be Parent contaminations, Child Contaminations, or Double Contaminations 

Some of the contaminations causing my recurrent patterns were:

In trying to understand my Child delusions, I recalled a couple of things:

1. Even though I am a single child, I was brought up in a joint family. I always felt that I was never treated special by the adults in the larger family because the oldest cousin (girl) was the first, the second older cousin was the only boy child in the generation, and the two younger cousins (girls) lived in another city and would visit the hometown only for a few months each year. It felt as if all the other four cousins were treated as special in their own rights and that there was nothing special about me. 
2. Brought up in a Punjabi family, I always felt that I did not belong. I felt different. I did not enjoy the social gatherings and talks about clothes, kitty parties and gossip. I took to books and reading and those interests were extremely different from the people around me. This made me feel like an outsider and I felt I had to do more to be noticed and included. 

The Change Journey

These aspects of my childhood led to Injunctions (Goulding & Goulding, 1979) such as ‘Don’t Belong’ and ‘Don’t be Important’. According to Goulding & Goulding, injunctions are “message from the Child Ego State of Parents, given out of the parents’ own pains, unhappiness, anxiety, disappointment, anger, frustration, secret desires” (p. 34)

The injunctive messages I carry are:

• Don’t Belong (Attachment Inunction)
• Don’t be Important (Survival Injunction)

There are two distinct decisions in response to each injunctive message (McNeal, 2010):

“The despairing decision represents the conclusion by the child faced with an injunctive message that something is wrong with him or her. The defiant decision is the child’s best attempt at health, a creative way to resist the injunctive message and master the circumstances.” (p. 160)

I took up the defiant decision to combat the pain of these injunctions with the central idea being ‘I’ll be so useful that no one will be able to think of me as unimportant and they will have to include me’.

I challenged the automatic bitter (self-destructive) response and created healing (self-protective) responses for the injunctions

I decided to take responsibility as my Rescuing pattern was making me increasingly resentful of my father and husband. I contracted with myself that I will not do more than my share and stay with the discomfort that I may feel. 

For example, I am trusting that my father has the capability of making his own decisions about buying the automatic car and resisting the urge to buy it for him. This causes me discomfort and I feel that I am not being a caring daughter (which I want to be). 

In therapy, I redefined ‘a caring daughter’:

• Asking him how I can help
• Giving him space and time to make his own decisions
• Being there for asking him when he asks (while ensuring my internal boundaries are protected) 
• Staying in touch with them regularly to ensure that the they are able to cope with these changes that they may be observing in my behavioural patterns. 

I have started making the change with my husband too. As the date for leaving the country is approaching, I am not sorting his stuff for him. I am choosing to believe that he can manage his own belongings. To mitigate the anxiety that I feel, I have had a discussion explaining to him how I am trying to not take charge of things that are not mine to take. While there was no pushback, there has been some seething and sarcastic comments. I am tolerating these changes without withdrawing contact. 

I am seeing my resentment come down. I also notice I am nagging less or sulking about the amount of work I do. However, I also notice anger when their behaviours call out to the Rescuer in me and I then struggle and resist the desire to give in to familiar patterns. 

I understand that letting go of this pattern is a journey and that continuous evaluations of my actions in this area is required to solidify my relationships further.

About the author:

She is passionate about psychotherapy, supporting people to break unconscious patterns, heal from cumulative trauma, and living their beat life!
Her approach to psychotherapy is grounded in her spirituality and her work embodies the TA tenet – Everyone is OK. A word she disapproves of is ‘Normal’.
She is passionate about trekking, solo road trips, and (obviously) psychotherapy (check out her Instagram reels).

Know more about her work at https://shiwanigurwara.com