Intrapsychic Puzzle: Rewriting My Inner Process

Author: Swati Ramgopal

Introduction

Intrapsychic process is the internal psychological process between one’s ego states. Our ego states contain our histories, and these show up in our transactions with others and in our internal dialogues.  I use the second order structure to understand my intrapsychic process. This allows me to understand my drivers, injunctions, script beliefs and racket feelings. I have also used the racket system to see how my intrapsychic process manifests interpersonally.

My second order structure

In my childhood years I remember being stroked for my bold and brave attitude. I was often told I was capable of many things and had great potential to achieve them if I let go of my laziness. I was acknowledged for my potential and capability and not so much for my achievements. Over the years, I developed a Be Perfect driver. 

This shows up in my work life too. Recently when I was appreciated for doing well at a presentation or handling a difficult conversation with ease, I rejected the stroke by saying it was not such a hard thing to do. I found it very difficult to appreciate myself for doing well and didn’t think I deserved the credit. The Child in me did not have the permission to be happy of my accomplishments when I was stroked positively. The Parent in me was critical and did not appreciate my effort and reminded me of my potential to do better. 

This internal dialogue between my Parent and Child often led me to be confused of who I was and what my strengths were. I would express confusion by saying ‘I really don’t know’ when asked how I did something so well. I began to doubt my capabilities and remained confused when I had to face ambiguous situations. I would feel overwhelmed and confused in such situations. My 2^nd order structure (Berne, 1966) enabled me to understand what was going on for me intra-psychically 

Figure 4 – My second order structure

My 2^nd order structure illustrates how I decided to follow the counter-injunctive asks from my parents to Be Strong and Be Perfect. I inferred the injunctions of ‘don’t be you’, ‘don’t be important’, ‘don’t be weak’, don’t feel and don’t think from their emotional responses to me. I denied myself the experience of my real feelings of fear, anger, and sadness. I began to recognise my racket feelings of overwhelm, confusion, shame, and guilt. 

I became aware of how often I experienced my racket feelings. Understanding and analysing my racket feelings helped me see how my intrapsychic process manifested in the here-and-now.

Racket feelings and Racket Systems 

English (1971) say that Rackets are stylized repetitions of ‘permitted feelings’ which were stroked in the past. They are expressed each time a real feeling is about to surface. (p.225-230)

As part of my TA learning, I was introduced to the article by Richard G. Erskine & Marilyn J. Zalcman (1979) The Racket System: A Model for Racket Analysis

This article helped me understand that analysing our racket feelings will enable us to further understand our script patterns and reflect on our limiting beliefs. 

The definition of Racket Analysis includes both the intrapsychic processes and associated behaviours related to script and provides theoretical grounding for research and clinical practice.

Guilt, inadequacy, and confusion rackets would be more accurately described as ‘thinking rackets’ accompanied by feelings and physical responses (Erskine & Zalcman, 1979, p,52) 

How I developed my racket feelings?

Living up to my mother’s expectations was important to me as I believed that it was the only way for me to gain acceptance and be loved by my mother. 

I was a slow eater during my early childhood years. I would get called out for my slow eating and be reminded of it every time I sat down for a meal. I was made fun of for not being smart when my older sister would steal food from my plate as I ate slowly. I would see how frustrated my mother would be to get me to finish one meal on time. 

With time, I began to feel guilty of my eating habits and carried the burden of my mother’s frustration and displeasure. I would feel shameful to have caused so much trouble to her because of my actions. I did not challenge her expectations and silently kept trying to meet her standards.

In recent times, my racket feelings of overwhelm and confusion surfaced up as I began writing my TA diploma answers. 

It was after 20+ years that I was returning to an academic process of learning a subject that was not part of my formative education. I experienced my Don’t think injunction while integrating concepts from TA theory to my life stories. I expressed my confusion by asking questions such as – 

How much of reading is enough before writing my diploma? or how do I structure my answers to make them impactful? or how do I show change when I still see script patterns being unresolved?

I felt overwhelmed when I had to integrate TA theory into my answers and express how I experienced parts of me have changed over time as I started my TA learning journey.

I experienced guilt and shame when I fell short on my commitments with my trainer to write my diploma within a specific timeframe. 

I drew the racket system for how I sustained my Guilt and Shame In therapy, as I worked through these feelings, I experienced my authentic feelings of fear and sadness.

The Racket System is defined as a self-reinforcing, distorted system of feelings, thoughts and actions maintained by script bound individuals. 

The Racket System has three interrelated and interdependent components: the Script Beliefs and Feelings, the Rackety Displays and the Reinforcing Memories. (Erskine & Zalcman, 1979, p,53)

Figure 5: Racket System Illustration

Now that I understood how my intrapsychic process shaped my response to here and now events, I decided to feel the feelings through my therapy process that I had no permission for as I was growing up. 

I got in touch with my fear of being judged for who I am – someone with low determination, struggling to integrate TA theory into practice, lazy and not committed to working hard which made me scared to not take up challenges.

I expressed my sadness of what I had lost, of not being validated for who I am.

I began to see how experiencing my supressed feelings were not easy for me as it meant that I showed up as a weak and imperfect person. Therapy offered me a choice of how I wanted to change my beliefs and I could give myself permission to express how I really felt. I discussed my authentic feelings with my trainer and realized how I can feel supported without being judged or shamed for my actions.

I decided to work on my diploma answers at a steady pace with shorter milestones and more supervision hours. My trainer offered me options of peer reviews and group supervision which allowed me to take my time through the process and yet make progress towards completing my diploma. 

This shift in my approach made me feel settled from within. I felt capable to write my diploma and submit it before the end of this year.

Reflections and change

As I became aware of how I developed my racket feelings through some of my early decisions as shown above in Figure 1 and Figure 2 and the influence my drivers have on my intrapsychic process, I knew I wanted to break free from these unhealthy patterns of emotions. 

Recognizing the unrealistic expectations of my mother from my early childhood years and the pressure I put on myself to live up to these expectations over the years has limited me from expressing myself authentically and loving myself for who I am. 

The first step to change was being aware of my script patterns which emerged as I went through personal work. Furthering my personal work using the two-chair technique allowed me to cathect my Parent and Child ego state. 

Two-chair work as developed by Perls in the 1960s generally involves a client being instructed to speak with someone or something seated in an empty chair (McNeel, 1976).

The two-chair technique allowed me to externalize my Parent and Child ego states. This technique enabled me to express my authentic feelings of fear, anger, and sadness. The Child in me expressed the anger and sadness for not being accepted and loved for who I was. 

In my mother’s role, I found myself saying how being critical of my accomplishment was only a way to motivate me to be a better version of myself. My mother also acknowledged that she didn’t know how this was affecting me and apologized for making me feel the way I did. This allowed me to see my mother as a struggling person with her own logic. I gave her appraisal of me lesser power. Accessing my own sadness and anger was freeing, and I felt lighter. 

Working through this process in therapy caused an internal shift for me which then allowed me to give myself permission to take my time, reach out for help and acknowledge small milestones as wins towards the larger goal. 

Conclusion

Today I can see that through this work, the content of my ego states has changed. My new beliefs about myself are:

• I don’t have to be perfect to be loved and accepted.
• I am okay the way I am.
• My ability to connect with my vulnerable feelings of fear and sadness makes me a stronger individual.

I have been able to disconnect from some of my early experiences and therefore I make new meaning of situations. This has given me the autonomy to decide how I choose to respond to situations and has enhanced the quality of my life.

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